"Culdee's Crush!" is the 4th episode of “CuldeeFell Shortz Season 2”.
Script[]
SYNOPSIS - Culdee has a crush on someone and doesn't know how to talk to her. His friends try to help him out. Meanwhile, Onion Cream is having problems with his package.
(It starts off with RH and Buckaroo in go karts. Culdee is seen next to the track holding a stop watch)
RH: World record Kart racing!
(RH turns to Buckaroo)
RH: Ready, Bucky?
Buckaroo: Oh yeah! I'm gonna win this easily!
Culdee: And... GO!
(Culdee starts the stopwatch and the two race off)
Buckaroo: HAHA! I'M WINNING! NOTHING CAN STOP BUCKAROO-
(Suddenly, some sand gets in his eyes)
Buckaroo: GAH!
(Buckaroo loses control, letting RH race ahead of him)
RH: Hah! Looks like ol' Buckster's not getting a chance this time! Now all I have to do is go through- "gulp".
(The camera turns to a forest with broken glass shards)
RH: The glass shard forest.
(It cuts to a few minutes later. RH and Buckaroo are seen racing out of the forest with glass shards on them)
Buckaroo: Ow. Ow. Ow.
(The two race into the finish line)
Buckaroo: Ow. Paper cut.
RH: What's our time Culdee?
(Culdee is seen distracted and facing another way)
RH: Uhhh, Culdee?
Culdee: GAH! Oh! I forgot to hit stop! Can we go again?
Buckaroo: Ohhhh.
(Suddenly, RH gets a call from Sunny)
RH: Hello?
Sunny: (phone) RH! Onion Cream's finally lost it! You gotta come see this!
(It then cuts to the Pensacola post office where a bunch of people are gathering around Onion Cream talking to a postman)
Onion Cream: I was in my evil lair all day, waiting for that package. I had to take a two minute shower. Two minutes! And when I get out, there's a note on my front door saying I missed the delivery and I need to pick it up here! Why couldn't you just leave the thing instead of leaving the note?
Mailman: Because we require a signature.
(Onion Cream sets down a piece of paper and writes his initials on it and gives it to the mailman)
Onion Cream: There! So, can I have it now?
Mailman: Mmm hmmm. I just need the note you left at your residence.
Onion Cream: But... I just signed it for you.
Mailman: You only have to sign for it at home. To pick it up here, you need the note that we left. Why are you complicating this, sir? It's a very simple policy.
Onion Cream: Oh, I got a simple policy for you! Vandal Clown, attack!
(Vandal Clown runs up and holds the mailman at gun point)
Mail Man: Thuggery will not get your package back anytime sooner, sir.
(Culdee presses a button that activates his biplane and he is sent off flying)
RH: Culdee, grab me!
(Culdee flies down and RH reaches for a rope only for Culdee to miss the rope and RH grabbing thin air)
RH: Uh oh.
(RH falls into a wheelbarrow of watermelons. Sunny in her Iron Flower suit blasts at Vandal Clown knocking him down. Frida comes in with her goggles and shoots at Vandal Clown making him drop his gun and scaring him away)
Frida: He should be gone, for now!
Onion Cream: GRRRR! YOU HADN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME! I'LL BE BACK! ... With my note.
(Onion Cream grabs a jetpack and flies away only for him to realize that the jetpack is upside down)
Onion Cream: Uh oh.
(Onion Cream screams as the jetpack digs him into the ground. RH then walks up to a distracted Culdee who is leaning against his plane)
RH: Culdee, what happened out there? You never missed a cue!
(Culdee says nothing and blinks. RH waves his hand around him)
RH: Helloooo?
(Suddenly, Human Meggy then walks up and puts a watermelon back into the wheelbarrow. He notices Culdee and waves at him)
Human Meggy: Hey, Culdee!
Culdee: Huh? What? Oh, yeah. I was gonna say hi, but then...
(Human Meggy walks off)
Culdee: Uhhhh.. See you later.
RH: Oh ho ho, I see what's going on here!
AsphaltianOof: What? Did Culdee get possessed by man-eating tomato people?
(RH runs up to AsphaltianOof)
RH: Yeah, I believe that Culdee has a crush on her.
Culdee: Whaaaat? Human Meggy? That's just stupid. AsphaltianOof was right. Definitely the tomato thing.
Sunny: Oh my gosh! Culdee has a crush! That is so adorable! You two are so adorable!
Culdee: (serious tone) I am not adorable. I am fierce and formidable.
Sunny and Frida: Awwwwww.
Culdee: "sigh" I just... don't know how to talk to her is all.
RH: Don't worry pal! Soon you will be enrolled in the RH school of impressing the ladies!
Endless: That's a good school. It's where I studied air conditioning and refrigerator repairing.
(The short transitions to RH's house. Culdee is seen with a journal and a pencil)
RH: Alright, first thing’s first. When talking to women, you gotta play it cool. Don't let her know you're interested.
Culdee: (while writing) Play it cool! Got it!
RH: Now, if you do strike up a conversation, be sarcastic and always have a one-liner ready. Allow me to demonstrate. I've hired a local actor to play the part of a girl.
(Izuru walks in with a wig)
Izuru: I swear, I am going to beat Endless up after this.
(Izuru walks up to RH)
Izuru: Hi, RH!
RH: Sup?
Izuru: Would you like to accompany me to a-
(Izuru forgets his line and looks at his script)
Izuru: Would you like to acompany me to a movie and/or show?
RH: Not sure if I have the time.
Izuru: Is it something I said or is it because... I CAN CHANGE!
RH: Nah, it's cool! I'm just... super swamped. Can't be tamed, born to write. You know how it is.
Izuru: Well, maybe we can go buy expensive s*** at the mall sometime!
RH: Yeah... maybe. Look, I gotta bounce, catch you on the flip-side, babe!
Izuru: Call me! We could be happy together! Oh, I have no dignity!
(Izuru jumps out of Culdee's window breaking it. Culdee writes down what RH did in his journal)
RH: Works everytime!
(It then transitions back to the post office. Onion Cream is seen walking back and gives the Mailman a note)
Onion Cream: I found this note! It was in the dumpster behind my lair. I hope you’re happy!
(Onion Cream gives the Mailman the note and he goes into the back room. Culdee, who is behind Onion Cream, is seen looking around. He then sees Human Meggy. He then runs over to a nearby pole and leans against it with his hand. Human Meggy walks up only to pass by)
Culdee: Damnit.
(Culdee leans against a tree, but Human Meggy passes him again. Culdee then leans against a building only to fall over)
Human Meggy: Oh my gosh, are you okay Culdee?
Culdee: Yeah. I'm fine. All like... whatever. I don't care. I'm busy anyway.
(Culdee turns around with his arms crossed)
Culdee: Catch you on the flip-flop.
Human Meggy: Right?
(Human Meggy walks off)
Culdee: Huh?
(Unbeknownst to Culdee, Onion Cream has seen the event. He gets a displeased face and grunts. The mailman comes back)
Mailman: It appears the package has been left out for delivery.
Onion Cream: Out for delivery!? What!? Why!?
Mailman: Nobody came to pick it up.
Onion Cream: I CAME TO PICK IT UP!
Mailman: That's not what it says here.
(The mailman gives Onion Cream the note)
Onion Cream: GRRRRRRRRRR!
(It then transitions to the backyard of Sunny's house. Culdee is seen with Buckaroo)
Buckaroo: Okay, so your first mistake was going to RH for advice on girls. Or as I like to call them, "the lay days!"
Culdee: Lay-days?
Buckaroo: Yeah! Now you’re getting it! What women want is someone who's manly!
(Culdee brings out his blue journal which has a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine on the front)
Culdee: Let me write that in my Thomas the Tank Engine journal!
(Culdee is about to write until Buckaroo swats it out of his hands)
Buckaroo: No, dude! You gotta lift weights! Eat red meat! Take up woodworking! Ha! That's what they want!
Culdee: Uh, I don't know. It seems a little archaic. Do women really respond to that?
Buckaroo: Of course they do! Have you seen those movies? It works like a charm!
Culdee: Okay then.
(It then cuts to the Durr Burger. Onion Cream is seen on the phone talking to someone while Human Meggy is seen sitting and drinking out of a cup)
Onion Cream: Rerouted? My package has been rerouted? To where? Guatamañana?
(Culdee is then seen walking up to Human Meggy)
Culdee: (in a faux masculine voice) Hey, Human Meggy! I was just at the gym, throwing some weights.
(Human Meggy continues drinking. Culdee then lays his hand on the table)
Culdee: (in a faux masculine voice) This table's got some excellent craftsmanship. What's that? Birch? Cedar?
Human Meggy: I think it's particle board.
Culdee: (in a faux masculine voice) Oh yeah. I had a particle board tree once. Chopped it down, built me a cabin out of it.
(Beef Boss comes up and sets a stake down on the table)
Beef Boss: One Durr Stake, extra rare.
(Human Meggy looks at Culdee, who is holding a knife and a fork)
Culdee: The redder the better, am I right?
(Culdee winks at Human Meggy)
Beef Boss: And here's your Durr meal toy.
(Beef Boss gives Culdee a Thomas the Tank Engine pencil)
Culdee: NOICE! A Thomas the Tank Engine pencil to go with my Thomas the Tank Engine journal!
(Culdee looks over at Human Meggy and grins nervously)
Culdee: (in a faux masculine voice) Uhhhh, I think I left my bandsaw running.
(Culdee runs off. Onion Cream who had witnessed the whole event groans once more and taps on his table. It then transitions to Culdee and Sunny inside of Sunny's house with the two sitting on the couch)
Sunny: You're doing this all wrong! If you want to know what women want, talk to a woman.
Culdee: Sweet! Where can I find one?
Sunny: ... I'M A WOMAN! I'm refinded and elegant like a delicate flower, YOU JERK! (calm) Now, as I was saying, girls like romance! You know like in the movies! Watch and learn!
(Sunny turns on the TV. The TV isn't shown but voices can be heard)
TV Actor: (voice) How thy voice is like a songbird, let my eyes feast upon your beauty and my soul be nourished by your love! A thousand roses would dare not smell as sweet as you.
(Sunny is seen with tears in her eyes while Culdee is confused and scratching his head)
TV Actress: Oh, even if thy face is hidden beneath the mask, your heart is visible to me now and forever!
(Sunny turns off the TV)
Sunny: See?
Culdee: Eh. Worth a shot.
(It transitions to outside. Culdee is seen dressed as the Phantom of the Opera and is standing outside of Sunny's house)
Culdee: Oh, Human Meggy! Come forth from your chamber window!
(The window opens only for Sunny to open it)
Sunny: Human Meggy lives in the basement incase you didn't read “The Multiverse Travellers!”, DUMBA*S!
(Sunny slams her window door. Culdee knocks on the basement door. Human Meggy opens it)
Human Meggy: Hello?
Culdee: "clears throat" How now, brown cow. Your voice is like a songbird, singing... uh... songs! And you smell!
Human Meggy: What!?
Culdee: Um... like a flower of some kind! Not a stinkweed, uh, something better!
(The mailman is seen driving by in his mail van. Onion Cream is seen running up)
Onion Cream: I know you have my package in your van! Just give it to me!
Mailman: Sir, once it's in the van, it has to be delivered to your residence.
Onion Cream: Oh for the love of...
(Before Onion Cream can finish, he looks back at Culdee)
Onion Cream: Not this train wreck again.
Culdee: Looking into your eyes is like looking into a pair of... eyes! Nice ones, even-
(Human Meggy slams the basement door closed)
Culdee: "sigh"
(Culdee walks off sadly)
Culdee: I admit it. Another one got me finished. Broke my heart, oh no she didn't.
Onion Cream: Are you singing “Juice Wrld”?!
Culdee: What does it look like, moose f***?
Onion Cream: "sigh" I can't watch this anymore! You got no game, kid! Let me help you!
Culdee: You!? But you’re our sworn enemy!
Onion Cream: Nonetheless, in situations this dire, the bro code trumps the enemy thing. Take my advice, you'll never land a girl by acting like someone else. Just be confident in your own pelt. And for Pete's sake, ditch the mask.
(Culdee grins nervously and takes off his mask)
Culdee: How do I know I can trust you?
Onion Cream: Believe me or not. It's no hair off me. You're the one acting like Romeo in the middle of the town square.
(The mailman walks up with Onion Cream's package)
Mailman: You're package sir.
Onion Cream: "gasp" FINALLY!
(Onion Cream grabs the package and opens it. He tosses the box asside. He brings out the item revealing it to be a background music generator)
Onion Cream: My background music generator! This will make attacks more exciting!
(Onion Cream turns on the generator. Suddenly, a bunch of Onion Cream's robots start raiding the place causing all the citizens to run and scream. RH, Sunny, Endless, Buckaroo and Human Meggy are seen fighting off the robots)
Onion Cream: Ho ho! Listen to those drums!
(Human Meggy is seen continuing to fight the robots when the robots overpower her and grab her)
Human Meggy: GAH!
(Rh and the others see this)
RH: Sunny, you and Buckaroo head-
Culdee: No need, RH! I got this!
(Culdee presses a button on his leg transforming him into Metal-Fell and he flies around destroying the robots. He then fires a missile at the robot that grabbed Human Meggy, blowing it to bits causing Human Meggy to fall)
Human Meggy: GAH!
(Human Meggy is about to hit the ground when Metal-Fell swoops in and catches her at the last second)
Metal-Fell: Gotcha!
RH, Buckaroo and Sunny: I thought him everything he knows.
(Metal-Fell fires a blue beam at the robots, destroying them all)
Sunny: Alright, Culdee!
Onion Cream: Well, that wasn't as exciting as I hoped.
(Metal-Fell then floats down to the ground and lowers Human Meggy to safety)
Human Meggy: Culdee, you were amazing!
(Human Meggy hugs Culdee. Endless gets a green face and pukes in a nearby trashcan)
Onion Cream: Oh, ho ho! Look who got the girl by being himself! Didn't see that one coming!
Culdee: Uhhh, do you mind?
Onion Cream: You're welcome!
(A heart shaped iris-out appears over Culdee and Human Meggy, but then stops halfway)
Onion Cream: I'm glad I sprang for that heart iris upgrade-
(Onion Cream then gets shot and killed by Endless)
Endless: What, someone had to do it.
(The short irises out on Culdee and Human Meggy, ending the short)
Trivia[]
- This confirms that Culdee's crush is Human Meggy. Also, as of now, they have a small relationship.
- The plot of this episode is similar to the “Sonic Boom” episode, "Tails' Crush".