Buckaroo Tari

CROSS-ing Over Shorts!

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Episode 56: Buckaroo Tari

Synopsis: A small western town has just had its GameStop robbed by the Masked Marauder (Tari)! The town’s sheriff, Red Hot Ryder must track down the Masked Marauder and bring her to justice!

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The episode starts with a view of the desert. The camera pans to the view of a western town.

Narrator:  Our story begins when the West was young, and early pioneers settled down to never more roam, and made the San Fernando Alley their home.

Suddenly, a woman screaming and sounds of gunshots are heard. The camera zooms around the western town.

Narrator: The Masked Marauder strikes again!

Villager 1: There she goes!

Villager 2: Catch her!

Villager 3: She pinched me!

Villager 4: Stop her!

Villager 5: Around that corner!

Villager 6: Where?

Villager 7: She’s got away with everything!

The camera pans to a bank.

Villager 8: What’d she get? All the money in the bank?

Villager 9: No!

The camera pans to the inside of a GameStop where the interior is in ruins with several stands knocked over.

Villager 9: All the games from our local GameStop! The sidewinding bushwhacker!

The camera cuts to the outside of the western town as the scene slowly fades back to the desert.

Narrator: The Masked Marauder strikes again! How long will this blue-haired fiend, the Masked Marauder, be allowed to roam at will, dragging in the mud the name of justice and decency? There is one man, and he alone can and will challenge and destroy the name and person of the Masked Marauder. Yes, one man, and one man only, who can, single-handed, rid us of this gamer chick. Out of the West, Pensacola's famous fighting cowboy, riding to right this wrong, rides Red Hot Ryder!

The red words “Red Hot Ryder” zoom in one by one towards the screen. The words fade away as a trail of smoke travels across the mountains and zooms towards the screen. The smoke then fades away, revealing a red-haired cowboy riding a black horse.

Red Hot Ryder: Whoa, horsey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Aw, come on, horsey! Please, horsey? Please, whoa. Purty please? Doggone it now, horsey! Won't you please whoa? Woah! Woah! Aw, come on! Woah!

Red Hot Ryder jumps off the horse, runs in front of it and pulls on its tail, but it won’t stop running. Eventually, Red Hot Ryder jumps back on and pulls out a club as the horse runs off-camera. A loud whack is heard before the camera pans to show the horse lying on the ground with a bump on his head while the club Red Hot Ryder was holding is broken in half.

Red Hot Ryder: Welp, here I am!

Red Hot Ryder jumps off the horse and looks around the place. Behind him, Tari is seen emerging from a hole in the ground, eating a bag of chips. Tari laughs and points to Red Hot Ryder.

Tari: Look at him! A fugitive from the funny papers!

Tari laughs as Red Hot Ryder is shown holding two pistols while looking around.

Red Hot Ryder: Wait till I find that Masked Marauder! I’m a gonna murder her, see? I’m a gonna murder her!

Tari: Murder he says!

Tari laughs.

Tari: He wants to play Cops and Robbers, eh? Ok! He’ll be the cop and I’ll be the bad little robber!

Tari puts a black mask over her mouth before heading back into the hole. Red Hot Ryder continues looking around until Tari emerges from a hole behind him, pulls out a controller and holds him at gunpoint with it.

Tari: Stick'em up, or I'll blow your brains out!

Red Hot Ryder: Well, now that's mighty neighborly of you.

Tari jumps out of the hole and pulls out a magnet. The magnet pulls off all of Red Hot Ryder’s coins, bullets and badges. It also pulls off his belt, causing his pants to fall, revealing his underwear. Tari throws the gold objects away.

Tari: BANG!

Tari slams Red Hot Ryder’s hat over his head before running off. Red Hot Ryder pulls off his hat.

Red Hot Ryder: Hey. That was the Masked Marauder!

Red Hot Ryder pulls out his pistols and looks around the place. He then heads to Tari who is not wearing her mask and is leaning against a cactus while eating another bag of chips.

Tari: What’s up?

Red Hot Ryder: I am hunting for the Masked Marauder! Have you seen him?

Tari: Hey. Do you mean a girl who wears a mask like this?

Tari pulls her mask over her mouth. Red Hot Ryder nods.

Tari: And she sticks you up like this?

Tari sticks her controller into Red Hot Ryder’s nose. He nods.

Tari: And then she robs you like this?

Tari pulls out a magnet which takes Red Hot Ryder’s gold coins, belt, diaper pin and gold teeth.

Tari: And she makes off like this? BANG!

Tari slams Red Hot Ryder’s hat over his head again before he pulls it off. He nods.

Red Hot Ryder: Yep! That’s her alright!

Tari: Nope. I ain’t seen her.

Tari hears a train noise and checks her watch.

Tari: Uh oh. It’s the 5:15! Parden me a minute, partner.

Tari leaves as more train noises are heard.

Tari: (voice) Pull over the coy! This is a stick up!

Tari is seen behind a rock, making train noises and gunshot noises with a machine while scream noises are being played by a radio. Tari then runs back to Red Hot Ryder while holding a ton of gasoline, sugar and other materials.

Tari: The Masked Marauder just robbed the 5:15!

Red Hot Ryder: The Masked Marauder? Which way did she go, partner? Which way did she go?

Tari: She went that way!

Red Hot Ryder shakes Tari’s hand.

Red Hot Ryder: Gee! Thanks a lot, partner! Thanks a lot!

Red Hot Ryder jumps onto his horse. The horse runs off, but it’s revealed Red Hot Ryder on a horse hitcher.

Red Hot Ryder: Get along horsey!, Giddy up horsey!, Hi ho horsey!, Get along little pony!, Giddy up! Giddy up horsey!

The horse angrily heads back to the horse hitcher and rests his hand on it.

Red Hot Ryder: Come on horsey!, Come on horsey!, Look at me go!, Look at me go!, Look at me I'm a riding sidesaddle!, I'm a riding sidesaddle!

Red Hot Ryder notices the horse glaring at him.

Red Hot Ryder: Well I am!

The horse pokes Red Hot Ryder in the eyes and punches him in the face several times. The horse then takes out a container of glue and pours it on his saddle before placing Red Hot Ryder on it and runs off. Tari is seen sitting behind a walk, eating more chips as Red Hot Ryder rides towards it. Tari then trips him and the horse with her leg, knocking them to the ground. Tari then puts on a mailman outfit and rides to the two on a unicycle with a letter.

Tari: Telegram from the Masked Marauder. Howdy doody. Which one of you characters is Red Hot Ryder?

Red Hot Ryder points at the horse’s butt, but points to himself.

Red Hot Ryder: Duh, duh, duh… Me.

Tari hands Red Hot Ryder the letter.

Tari: Here y’are.

Red Hot Ryder: (reading) “The Red Hot Ryder”. (speaking) That’s me! That’s me! That’s me!

Red Hot Ryder rips open the envelope and finds a poem inside. The last word is censored.

Red Hot Ryder: "Roses are red, violets are pink, flowers smell good, but you sure... "

Red Hot Ryder glances at Tari.

Red Hot Ryder: I sure what?

Tari: STINK, YOU FOOL! STINK!

Tari places her mask back on before slamming Red Hot Ryder’s hat over his head again. She then grabs a stick with a horse’s head on it and fires a gun before running off.

Tari: So long, slaptop! (laughs)

Red Hot Ryder: (gasps) That came from the Masked Marauder!

Red Hot Ryder pulls out his pistols and continues looking until he comes across Tari eating more chips again.

Red Hot Ryder: Which way did she go partner? Which way did she go?

Tari: Quick, follow me! She went this way!

Tari runs off while Red Hot Ryder gets on his horse and follows her to a small cliff.

Tari: Over here!

Red Hot Ryder and his horse jumps across the cliff and follow Tari to another cliff.

Tari: Over there!

Red Hot Ryder and his horse jumps across the cliff and continue following Tari to yet another cliff.

Tari: No, no, no, no! Here!

Red Hot Ryder and his horse jump across the cliff again. Tari then runs to a MASSIVE gorge with a sign reading “Grand Canyon”.

Red Hot Ryder and his horse jumps across the cliff and this time plummets as Tari points to the gorge while grinning at the reader. Red Hot Ryder and his horse continue falling until they scream upon seeing the bottom. The two frantically run back to the cliffside Tari is on, but the horse is only able to rip off chunks of the wall. At one point, the two stop to pray before continuing to try to reach the cliffside. Tari blows the horse away from the ledge. The horse eventually shrugs and plugs its nose as it plummets.

Red Hot Ryder: (offscreen) WOAH, WOAH WOAH!

A loud crash is heard and the camera shows a Red Hot Ryder and horse-shaped hole in the ground. The camera then cuts to inside the hole where everything is dark.

Red Hot Ryder: Hey, you know what, horsey? I think our friend was really the Masked Marauder.

Tari illuminates the inside of the hole with a candle.

Tari: That's right! That's right! You win the $64 question!

Tari laughs.

Tari: Good night, sweet prince!

Tari kisses Red Hot Ryder before blowing out the candle and the episode ends.

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